Trying to run

As I write, my walrus-best-friend is out in the lagoon taking a solitary swim. His mind is in a state of turmoil as he propels himself madly through the murky waters, like an enraged torpedo. It's because of what I told him earlier on. I guess I would be dismayed too if I found out that my once beloved ex-pet seal turned out not to be a seal at all, but a sea lion in disguise.

It all started this morning. Since I'd quit my job as a seal-communications instructor over a pay dispute, I decided to take some time to go out and enjoy the local attractions. So I went down to the aquarium to watch the "Slippery Sliding Seals!!! (or are they??)" show, the establishment's latest offering. It was marvellously entertaining. Seals and sea lions slipped and slided around the smooth rocks, dove into the water and performed nifty underwater acrobatic tricks. It was very well choreographed.

Then halfway through the lights dimmed, the troupe galumphed offstage, the spotlight intensified and the drumroll played---it was time for the star of the show to come out. There was a pregnant, anticipatory silence as the star seal siddled out onstage, looking heart-wrenchingly pristine and demure. I recognised that pinniped immediately. It was Zach, flashing the same look he used on Des the day Des brought him home from the zoo. ("Thank you for rescuing me," he simpered sweetly, "they underfed me at the zoo.")

Well in accordance with his demure image, he performed a gracefully choreographed aquatic ballet to Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake. The audience sighed wistfully. Then Zach did the unthinkable. He disappeared behind a screen, where an entourage fussed over him, and he emerged---a sea lion. The audience of 4000 walrie gasped sharply. No longer was Zach a demure spotted seal. His spots had been wiped off, his ears protruded after being untaped, and his hind flippers faced forward. He was a Californian sea lion. The music changed abrubtly to tacky techno and Zach burst into a new energetic, flamboyant routine. He bounced around on land, juggled multiple balls (bringing to mind my stupid walrus friend's sentimental comment: "at least I know that I made an indelible impression on Zach...I know I was special because he learned to juggle just for me...and he was so proud of his skill!") and in general, skillfully worked the crowd. At one point he body-surfed on the audience and in the process allowed many walrie to handle him proprietarily. Several of them twiddled his ears in wonder before quickly passing him on. All the while he grinned insipidly, barking and clapping in delight, savouring the occasional fish tossed at him in the most degrading manner. Zach was clearly basking in their disgust and horrified fascination, which he took for adulation. Then, as the show progressed, he disappeard behind the screen again where they turned him back into a seal. The show proceeded with him alternating between his seal/sea lion routines.

So this evening, when Des came back from work, I told him all about the show. At first we had a good time maliciously insulting Zach, marvelling with wicked glee at what he'd become.

"To think," Des guffawed, "that that seal has stooped to impersonating a sea lion! Haw haw!"

I was stunned for a few minutes. Didn't Des understand? "Uh, Des...don't you see?" I asked incredulously, "Zach is a sea lion pretending to be a seal!"

Des stared ahead silently. His face changed by degrees as cold realisation sank in. "You don't think..."

"---didn't he talk about his 'trademark handstands'?" I interrupted. "True seals can't support their weight on their front flippers, you know. Damn, to think we missed that glaring detail all these years. Ha!"

Des started to quiver imperceptibly. He looked as if he was going to burst suddenly, and he did. He let out a heart rending, blood-curdling bellow as he ploughed off into the lagoon, which is where he usually goes when he needs some time alone. I felt tremendously sorry for the duped beast, and my heart went out to him. But I could not help laughing hysterically and pelting him with fish as he charged off. That fat fucker just looks ridiculous when he's trying to run.