Heartily dislike his monkey

Dear Diary,

As you remember, Des and I visited the zoo and caught their infamous animal show some days ago. It was then that we encountered Carlos the zoo-seal. I have to admit that we were somewhat contemptuous of him for being a shiny, vapid, odious ho who'd wave his flipper inanely at the gawking audience just for a fish, but he might not be as simple as that after all.

Today, I went back to the zoo to return some extra change that the Ben and Jerry's cashier had given me the last time I was there. I guess the guilt overpowered my laziness. While I was there I thought I might as well catch the show again, to see if they'd varied their act. But by the time I reached the amphitheatre the show was over and Carlos was bouncing offstage. I was slightly disappointed.

I didn't want to collide with the crowd so I went behind the stage area, hoping to find an exit. But I must have taken a wrong turn because instead of getting back on the path leading to the African Baboon exhibit, I landed up in a seedy little trailer park with lots of old, lurid, glitter-mottled trailers. Some of the doors had stars with cursive names on them. Just as I was examining a blue-and-yellow striped trailer with some interest, a familiar seal bounded past me and headed in the other direction. I immediately called out to him and gave chase, thinking that he'd escaped from his handler. To my surprise, he burst into a gleaming green trailer and slipped into the incongruously oppulent marble jacuzzi inside. I clicked my tongue and waved my box of Hello Panda at him, hoping to coax him out. I said in my kindest voice, the one I reserve for children and dogs, "heeyyy, Carlos, come here, that's a good seal..." and other such things. The response I got shocked and knocked the wind out of me. He spoke.

"The photo-session is over. Get out and close the door behind you." His voice was low, gruff and slightly raspy. I just froze. I may have attempted to stammer something, I don't know, but when I looked back at the star on his door, I noticed the name "Carlos" emblazoned on it. I glanced back at him and gawked. What else could I do? To his credit, Carlos maintained his composure. He looked me up and down and said, "Look kid, I don't normally do house calls--- especially when you people barge into my house---but make me an offer and I'll consider."

My face was burning with embarrassment. I stammered an inaudible apology and willed my feet to move. Then a most incredible thing happened. Carlos barked sharply and slapped his flippers together. Immediately, a dapper little monkey in a crisp green uniform emerged from some sort of trapdoor and scampered to him. The monkey decorously took a cigarette from one of his pockets, rested it between Carlos' lips and lit it. Sensing my growing incredulity, Carlos turned to me wryly and waved a flipper at me. "No fingers," he explained lazily. "If you're not getting lost you might as well have one," he drawled, slapping the pack of Marlboros over to me with his flipper. The monkey scampered away.

I held the box in my hands, not intending to smoke anything. The last time I smoked a shisha pipe I got nicotine poisoning. It was awful. Anyway the whole situation was so ridiculous and bizarre that I began to regain my composure. "Wow," I said, "I always thought they'd keep you in a miserable little tank or something."

"Compared to what I had in the wild, this is a little tank," he said flatly.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean---I mean, this is a nice little place, you've got a jacuzzi---"I stammered.

"Ocean currents are far more exhilarating," he said in a bored voice, "although these jacuzzi jets provide more precision if you know what I mean!" He barked with laughter and clapped his flippers together with lewd glee. "Anyway I'd like to see you try living in a 'nice little place' like this. See how you'd like being trained with electric prods. "SPCA approved" my pinniped arse. And the trainers! Condescending pricks! Do they give a walrus'-ass about my emotional needs? I am eighteen, EIGHTEEN years old for God's sake and I have not achieved self-actualization. God!" He spat his spent cigarette butt on the floor and barked for his monkey to bring another.

I got a little uncomfortable learning more than I wanted to. I was also disturbed by what he'd told me. It completely messed up all my preconceived notions. I didn't know what to think so I muttered a polite goodbye. But just as I turned to go, Carlos called me.

"Hey, kid!"

I turned around to face him and for a few seconds we faced each other squarely. It was one of those special moments when the world has stopped spinning and the stars have stopped shining and you know, you just know, that your souls have touched and you can never go back again.

It was also one of those moments when I believed all that bull. "Leave those if you're not having them," was all he said. Then his monkey came out from nowhere, snatched the cigarettes from me, showed me out and shut the door behind me.

I heartily dislike his monkey.